A few weeks ago, I was presented with the opportunity to be in the car with just me and my youngest son, our 14-year old Question-Asker, for 6.5 hours. (I say “opportunity” instead of “inconvenience,” because if you have to drive to Atlanta and back in a day, you might as well make the best of it, and positive language is important in those moments when you have to do possibly unpleasant tasks.) Back to my day as a long-haul trucker…

If you’re lucky and your teen is in a confined space for long enough, you might get him talking about real things. Ezra started telling me about “getting heated” (one of his favorite phrases to describe when he nearlyloses his temper) at school and on the soccer field. Then, out of the clear blue sky above I-75, I was given a parable to talk him through those heated moments.

I asked him if he’d ever seen one of those TV shows where there’s a bomb that has to be turned off before everyone blows up. Not growing up in the era of shows like MacGyver, he sort of knew what I was talking about. I went on to explain that there’s usually a briefcase holding some kind of an electronic device with various wires attached to it. There are also cylinders of explosives and a timer ticking down to zero. The dilemma comes from knowing which helpfully color-coded wire to cut so that the timer stops.

I told him that his temper is like that bomb, ready to go off and blow up anyone nearby. Whether the “heated” situation is his fault or someone else’s, his job is to defuse the bomb, to neutralize the explosive atmosphere and rescue the bystanders. Once it detonates, the debris and carnage can be really difficult to clean up and put right.

So how does he know which wire to cut? This is where finesse comes in, a concept of tact and sensitivity which can be fairly difficult for teenaged boys (or anyone, to be honest) to master, but what a skill to have! He has to learn to take deep breaths and choose words so he can survive temper flares with friends (maybe use comic relief?) or teachers (always exhibit absolute respect and remorse) or mom (for heaven’s sake, no back-talk!). Those different colored wires represent different approaches. It may seem complicated, but relationships are worth all that trouble.

The other thing to keep in mind is that there are times when we just don’t know how best to defuse the situation. We have to call in the experts. On those TV shows, a novice sometimes needs step-by-step instructions from the bomb squad, and you better believe he follows their guidance exactly. Relationships are complex, so ask for help when navigating a tricky situation.

I reminded Ezra that the best place to start in any potentially explosive encounter is to remember Proverbs 15:1. “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” A giant mile marker on the road to maturity is the humble use of gentle words.